


Invidia

by agirlnamedtruth



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, F/F, Gwen-centric, Implied Sexual Content, Insecurity, Jealousy, Misunderstandings, POV Gwen, Relationship Issues, Season/Series 01, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-24
Updated: 2014-01-24
Packaged: 2018-01-08 00:16:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1126087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agirlnamedtruth/pseuds/agirlnamedtruth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>We've got obsessions. I want to wipe out all the sad ideas that come to me when I am holding you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Invidia

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Glompfest '13. Title is Latin for _envy_. Summary and lyrics from Marina  & The Diamonds [Obsessions](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jQFlLjquJc).
> 
> Set after 1x08 "The Beginning of the End" but before 1x10 "The Moment of Truth".

  
_We've got obsessions._  
I wanna erase every nasty thought that bugs me every day of every week.  
_We've got obsessions._  
You never told me what it was that made you strong and what it was that made you weak.

 

x-x-xx-x-x

 

“He likes you, you know,” Morgana said, curled up in bed with Gwen, fingers absently being threaded through her hair.

“Who?” Gwen asked, pausing like a startled doe. Morgana was used to people liking her. She was used to everything from the bumbling, blushing servants to the honourable knights wanting her token to the outright rude ones wanting more. She didn’t even think it would mean anything to Gwen to know that someone liked you, let alone a man. It was silly. But still... she had to say something.

“Merlin, of course,” Morgana laughed, craning her head up, watching for a reaction. “Don’t tell me you can’t see it. He’s practically besotted. I think it’s adorable. Don’t you?”

Gwen paused, biting her lip, seemingly taking great care to answer such a passing question. “Yes. Adorable.”

“Like you.” Morgana smiled, wide and slightly dangerous. She leaned up into a kiss, slow and lazy but making it entirely clear that the time for meaningless pillow talk was over.

-x-

It was almost light by the time Gwen woke and dragged herself out of Morgana’s bed. Most nights it was only for appearance sake that she went home, some nights she didn’t even bother, trusting her job as the perfect alibi. But the castle wouldn’t be roused for another few hours and she found she couldn’t stay in Morgana’s warm bed with her still sleeping soundly.

It was ridiculous but Morgana’s questions, her manner, from last night was haunting her in the morning hours. It had rattled her a bit at the time but when Morgana had kissed her, touched her, made love to her, she’d got caught up in the moment and all but forgotten her worries. But as it always did, daylight shattered any illusion she might have about her relationship with Morgana. Gwen sighed, pulling her cloak on over yesterday’s dress. That was something else entirely she didn’t want to start thinking about.

But the ease with which Morgana had suggested there might be something between herself and Merlin had scared her. At first she thought she was being questioned, that Morgana might be trying to trip her up and get her to admit to some shared feeling they might have. Which wasn’t true in the slightest. Merlin unknowingly brought out the worst, most insecure, traits she had and to his eyes perhaps, he might consider that she had a girlish crush but Morgana should know better. She put her foot in her mouth when asked about men because she never had an answer ready and she couldn’t speak the truth. She was awkward and nervous because she was sure that if she let herself have a friend within the household staff, she would slip, make some tiny mistake that would ruin everything. She hesitated because she didn’t know what to say or to do or how to act. And if he thought that meant she was attracted to him, it was only bound to get worse. And if it got worse, and he realised she knew, what would he think then? That she really was flirting or behaving coyly in an attempt to seduce him? And if he did assume her affections lied with him and tried to court her, how would she possibly refuse without her true affections being revealed? Part of her wanted to die of embarrassment while the other part wanted to climb back into Morgana’s bed and never leave again.

But Morgana had not shared her concerns. Morgana had laughed and thought it cute. Gwen knew she should be pleased, she knew she didn’t want Morgana to feel the hurt and pain that ate away at her when she thought that someday Morgana would marry Arthur and they would rule together and she, if she was lucky, might remain Morgana’s faithful servant. She didn’t want Morgana to feel bitter jealousy at the thought of another touching her, a man having her. But something cold and clawing inside her whispered that deep down, she wanted exactly that. Misery loved company after all.

Gwen lingered by the door, her gaze settling on Morgana’s sleeping form, so innocent and pure in sleep. Without the way she could smile and make her feel like she wanted nothing more than to make her scream her name in pleasure. Without the way she quirked her eyebrow to tell her she would do just that. Without all her ways of making her fall to pieces, Gwen couldn’t help but _fall to pieces_.

Why hadn’t Morgana been angry at Merlin for liking her love? Why hadn’t she screamed and scoffed? Why hadn’t she called him by every vicious insult she knew? Why hadn’t she sworn, to her alone, that she was hers and no other would ever touch her?

Gwen tore her eyes away from Morgana before she sensed she was being watched. They stung with angry tears anyway. Why wasn’t Morgana jealous like she was jealous? Why was it that when anything else of hers was threatened, she would fly into a protective but scary rage and yet, when something threatened them, she laughed and joked?

She opened the door and stepped into the corridor, sneaking her way through the dark, back to the open streets where she could walk without judgement. Not that it worried her tonight; her mind was consumed with spiralling thoughts. If Morgana wasn’t jealous, was she a hateful person for being jealous of everyone else Morgana was close with? Was she terrible for hating her unofficial betrothal to Arthur? Was she overreacting every time Morgana harmlessly flirted with another to get her way or for her own amusement? Or did Morgana not feel as she felt? Did she not care? Did she not love her in a way that burned through her like fire?

The second Gwen stepped into her house; she flung herself on her bed. Tonight her love burned through her like ice, chilling her bones and freezing her heart. Tonight thoughts of Morgana wouldn’t warm her; they would turn her to hoarfrost.

-x-

Somehow, despite her whirlpool of thoughts and her tears, she’d managed to sleep a few more hours in the comfort of her bed and rising from it gave her exactly what she needed. She undressed and dressed again, preparing for a day spent in the royal household. As her Lady’s maid. And nothing more.

She made herself a breakfast and forced herself to enjoy it, knowing she would not stop for anything else until she was back in her own home. She would not bring Morgana breakfast only to end up eating it in bed with her. She would not bring her lunch only to perch on the edge of the table feeding it to her and tasting some herself off Morgana’s lips. She would not sit down to dinner with her and never leave for the night. She would be professional and in control, she would keep her cold feelings to herself even if it meant denying herself of Morgana’s warm ones.

The walk back to the castle was bracing and Gwen used it to strengthen her resolve. It would not do to let Morgana see how upset she was, especially as Morgana didn’t seem to think there was anything wrong with Merlin’s feelings for her.

When she arrived in the kitchens to prepare Morgana’s breakfast, she knew it wasn’t going to last. Morgana would see through her in an instant, she just knew her too well. Better than she knew anyone else and better than anybody else knew her. Even herself apparently as she had had no idea that Merlin felt that way about her. Gwen set the silver plate down with a clatter, a horrible, sinking thought hitting her square between the eyes. _When did Morgana get to know Merlin so well?_

Gwen grabbed bits of fruit and bread and slammed them down on the plate, her mind racing. She’d never dream of telling anyone her secrets like that. Nobody but Morgana. And she knew Morgana shared her feelings with nobody but her. Not even Arthur. So how did she know the secrets of Merlin’s heart? What deep, meaningful conversation had they been having for it even to come up? How much time had they spent together, how intimate had they become that they felt comfortable sharing such personal things? She picked up the plate and turned on her heel, nearly walking straight into the cook.

“Sorry,” she mumbled, unable to bring herself out of her thoughts to excuse herself properly.

If Merlin had told her his secret, his feelings for her, had Morgana done the same? Obviously not or she wouldn’t still have a job. She would have been rooted out Morgana’s bed even as they thought they slept safely in each other’s arms.

But then, if she hadn’t told him, did that mean she was ashamed of her? Of course they knew they could never be open about their love, they could never trust another soul with it but... if she was in Merlin’s trust enough to bear the knowledge of his love, did she not trust him equally? She must have sworn some promise of sorts that he could trust her. Would he have not promised the same, trusted her the same, to share his emotions with her? He was a man, for heaven’s sake, they did not sure their feelings so freely as women did.

Gwen walked faster, needing to be rid of her burden and her duty. Once Morgana was woken and had eaten, she’d be charged with cleaning her chambers while Morgana fulfilled her obligations as a royal ward. Gwen cursed her distraction; she should have asked what was expected of her Lady and herself before she left the kitchens. Perhaps Merlin would know what Morgana was doing, as they seemed to be so _close_.

She sighed, telling herself off for her last thought as she tapped on Morgana’s door. “My lady?”

There was no answer but she expected none, it was her job to wake Morgana after all. She slipped through the door, balancing the plate in one hand. Morgana was asleep as she expected and she set the breakfast down on the table rather than bringing it to her. With her hair sprawled on the pillow and her slow shallow breathing, she looked more like some perfect illusion than a real person and Gwen couldn’t deal with that, not when she’d spent hour upon hour examining her own flaws.

She pulled open the curtains, using the light of day to wake Morgana rather than the touch of her hands or the whisper of her voice.

 

“Gwen,” Morgana said sleepily, happily. Like she had slept soundly through all of Gwen’s worrying. Which she had, of course. She’d barely moved since Gwen left.

“Good morning, my Lady,” Gwen said, turning from the window and casting her eyes down. Playing the servant. Reminding herself she _was_ the servant. “I’ve brought you some breakfast and intend to turn down the bed should you not need my services elsewhere.”

“Do you not have a moment?” Morgana asked, turning her head so she could follow Gwen with her eyes as she walked from the window to the table again, setting out cutlery and napkins. “Before the daily grind begins?”

“I do not, my Lady,” Gwen replied, a little too quickly to be casual. “I forgot to find out your schedule for today, a mistake I must amend before I am to dress you for the day.”

“I think dressing me can wait a little while, don’t you?” Morgana smiled suggestively, pushing the bed covers aside just enough to bear her side, naked from the tips of her toes up the swell of her calf and thigh, the curve of her hip... naked from where Gwen had undressed her. She averted her eyes and turned away, fetching the jug of water she’d set there the night before.

“This needs freshening,” Gwen said, mostly to the jug itself.

“It does not, I’m not thirsty,” Morgana protested, sitting up. “Gwen, stop!”

Gwen stopped mid-step, her hand already on the door. She was certain she would give in should she have to face Morgana but she couldn’t disobey a direct order either.

“Gwen, look at me,” Morgana told her, sensing her hesitation. Gwen turned slowly, keeping her eyes on the ground until she had no choice but to raise them. Morgana held her gaze. “Merlin mentioned yesterday that we should all go for a picnic, away from the castle. So you don’t have to rush, you don’t have to fetch fresh water and you don’t have to worry about a thing.”

Gwen could feel heat rush into her cheeks and she tried to sound like she didn’t care when she asked, “Merlin suggested it?”

“Yes. Well, Arthur sent him with the invitation...” Morgana smiled that competitive smile she reserved for teasing Arthur with, even though he wasn’t here to see it. “You don’t think Arthur would walk the short distance himself. Now will you please come and sit for a moment?”

Gwen brought her hand up to her eyes, rubbing them. She could feel herself cracking. “My Lady, I cannot. Your sheets, they need washing and I have other duties...”

She fell silent because she couldn’t name a single other duty. All she could think about was the idea of Merlin coming to Morgana’s door, unchaperoned, and them planning the events of today together. Gwen was sure it would be perfectly nice, perfectly innocent, but why was she finding out about this only now?

“Well...” Morgana rolled onto her side, dragging the sheet under her body. “You can’t take the sheets if I’m still in them.”

“Morgana...” Gwen said helplessly but the last of her determination to remain detached from her Mistress had abandoned her.

-x-

Gwen was sat on a rug, leaning back on her hands and trying not to stare at Morgana and Arthur on the much more comfortable blanket. She knew it was only for appearances sake, for the guards, as this had been Uther’s suggestion, not Arthur’s, as it turned out. But being away from her, if even by a few yards, made her feel like a spectator rather than a companion.

She wasn’t alone; Merlin was being subjected to the same misery as her. Though why Merlin should be miserable about it was beyond her. At least he got some peace sat with her, without Arthur bossing him about.

It was awkward though. Now that Morgana had told her about Merlin’s feelings, she couldn’t help but feel everything she said might be taken the wrong way. Or that if she didn’t say anything at all, her knowing would become obvious and it would be even more awkward.

She took a deep breath, trying to find something completely innocent to talk about. “Nice today, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, I suppose,” Merlin said, glancing up at the sky before looking away again. He knew. He knew she knew.

“It must be nice,” she said the only thing she could think of, panicking. “Having five minutes away from Arthur.”

“Yeah, I suppose,” Merlin said again but this time his eyes didn’t leave the direction he was looking in.

Gwen followed his eyes, finding them on Morgana and Arthur on the blanket, laughing together. Following them back, she saw Merlin’s expression. He obviously didn’t realise she was watching him because she’d never seen such open emotion on his face before. Not sadness, at least. Not jealousy. Not longing.

She swallowed past the lump in her throat. He didn’t have feelings for her at all. She could see it in his eyes, love. He loved Morgana.

-x-

Thankfully, both Arthur and Morgana had been called up in the afternoon to attend court and welcome some guests, leaving Gwen and Merlin to go about their respective chores. Also thankfully, it meant they had no reason to cross paths. She didn't know what she'd say if she did. Getting back to the castle had been awkward enough. Merlin was supposed to be her friend. How could he...

She swallowed the thought, folding the sheet. It wasn't Merlin's fault. He didn't even know what he'd done. He didn't know she loved Morgana or that Morgana loved her. At least, she thought she did. These days it was getting a little hard to be sure. But Merlin didn't know how she felt and Merlin couldn't be blamed for his own feelings anymore that she could be blamed for hers.

But it still made her feel sick to think about it. They'd been so close recently, bonding over the Druid boy and their strong views on injustice. She talked about him fondly and Morgana didn't talk about anyone fondly, not even Arthur.

There was a knock at the door and Gwen jumped guiltily, keeping quiet because there was nobody she felt up to talking with. The knocking persisted though and after a moment, the door opened regardless. Gwen dropped into a curtsey out of habit, even though it was only a guard.

"The Lady Morgana says you are to be relieved after you've finished your duties here," the guard said.

Gwen stood up sharply and raised her eyes, forgetting her place. Morgana had dismissed her. She'd not even come to tell her herself. "Did she say why?"

"She will be dining with the king and Prince Arthur tonight," the guard said, his eyes cast down. Great, she'd made him uncomfortable.

"Might I not be needed?" she asked, trying to sound like her concern was purely professional.

"Prince Arthur's servant will be attending them."

"Merlin?" Gwen asked too quickly, her voice too shrill. She swallowed and turned back to the sheets, picking up the pile. "I was finished anyway. Thank you."

She waited until the door was closed before she sank down onto the bed, feeling the foreign clean sheets beneath her and accidentally inhaling the bedding that still smelled of them.

-x-

Gwen woke with the sun, as she always did but when the bell tolled the hour, she was still in bed. She wrapped the blankets tighter around herself, telling herself she could feel a chill coming on. She knew when the next hour chimed; she would still be in bed.

She knew she should walk up to the castle or send a note with a messenger to excuse her absence but how would she explain herself, her need to close herself off from the world for a while, keep herself away from Morgana for fear she would say something or do something she regretted, or worse that she would cause a scene in public and give them both away. She couldn't exactly tell the truth and say she'd been curled up in bed with a broken heart.

She closed her eyes, willing herself to fall back asleep so she didn't have to hear the bell.

-x-

She woke up hours later, the afternoon heat making her sweat under her blankets. She assumed that was what woke her and pushed the covers away from herself but after a moment there was a hammering on the door, indicating a frustrated knocker that had been there a while.

"Guinevere!" Morgana's voice came floating through the door. "Gwen!"

For a moment, Gwen's first instinct was to get up and go to her, find out what was wrong. Then she remembered what was wrong. She couldn't open the door, not still in her bedclothes and not without a well rehearsed excuse ready. She pulled her pillow over her head and tried to block out Morgana's voice, even as she got more and more insistent.

Silence finally fell again but Gwen couldn't get back to sleep. Guilt was eating through her like an illness, making her feel sick. She got up, unable to stay still, and went to stand by the door, even though Morgana was gone. With a sigh, she unlatched it and peered out into the street. She could still see her, her cloak trailing through the mud even though it was worth more than anything being sold in the market. If she called out, Morgana would hear her, come back. She opened her mouth but she couldn’t force herself to make a sound and she closed it again, closing the door and locking it again.

-x-

“Gwen, it’s Merlin,” Merlin said through her door, not even knocking. Gwen jolted out of her daydream, jumping at the sudden break in the silence. She’d been sat at the table, staring at nothing for so long that she’d almost forgotten why she was staring at nothing. But it all came back to her with the sound of Merlin’s voice.

She looked down at the table, the fingers of one had tracing to grain of the wood to distract her from the conflicting emotions telling her to open the door. A part of her wanted to confide in Merlin, share her sorrows with him. He was her only friend, after all. But then, could she trust herself not to blame him? Could she rely on herself to be nice and behave like a good friend? She just didn’t know. It was better to stay sitting by herself, in the silence and the growing dark.

“I know you’re in, I saw you through the window,” Merlin said when she didn’t answer and Gwen put her head in her hands, everything rushing to the surface because she didn’t know what to do.

Belatedly, she wished she’d let Morgana in instead, it would be easier to talk to her about this rather than Merlin. At least she didn’t have to keep secrets from Morgana. Not that they all weren’t keeping things from her in return. She stood, unable to plaster a happy smile on her face. She knew she would look a wreck and she hoped that would be enough to drive Merlin away. She had the words ready, the ones that would make it clear that although the sentiment was lovely, she didn’t want to see anyone.

“Gwen, I’m worried about you.” He coughed awkwardly, backtracking in embarrassment like she often had to. “We all are.”

She paused, wanting to open the door even less but when she finally did, the weak smile she gave him wasn’t forced.

“Are you alright?” Merlin asked the instant she stuck her head around the door, the concern visible on his face making her feel worse.

“Yes, I’m fine,” Gwen lied before blushing. “I mean, not _fine_ obviously, otherwise I wouldn’t be at home. I’m just a little unwell. You should go, really, I don’t want you to catch it.”

“Never mind about that, Sir Geraint is lying in our chambers with the Measles, I think I’m safer here with you,” Merlin said conversationally, leaning to look around the door frame. Perhaps to see if she was harbouring any other suffers of the disease. She opened the door reluctantly, not wanting to seem like a bad host.

"Please, come in," Gwen offered, gesturing at her table. She wanted nothing more than to show him back out the door but he sat down, forcing Gwen to sit as well. She glanced down; pulling at her nightgown, making sure it was in place. "Sorry, I should have dressed."

She expected him to look away, embarrassed about her state of undress but he didn't even seem to notice. Gwen couldn't help but wonder if he was used to having conversations with women in their nightclothes, remembering that time she caught him in Morgana's room, watching her change clothes, back before they'd even officially met. Gods, had it been going on all this time?

"Gwen, are you sure you're alright?" Merlin asked, shaking her from her thoughts.

"Yes, I'm fine," Gwen said but there was no conviction to it, she couldn't even convince herself.

"It's just... you locked your door, you never lock your door,” he pointed out.

"I... oh, there was a strong wind last night,” she made up on the spot. “Nothing... untoward."

"And Morgana was worried,” Merlin continued.

Gwen tried her best to stop her head from snapping up and to stop herself sounding anything but casually interested. "She was?"

"Yeah, she came straight to me when she couldn't find you," Merlin answered, his expression turning back to concern when Gwen's face fell.

"Oh." She'd tried for casual again but missed the mark when her voice came out tight, constricted, like she was forcing herself to answer.

Had Morgana lied to Merlin or was Merlin lying to her? The idea of either hurt her, Morgana denying any connection with her or Morgana sharing so much with him, he felt the need to keep it from her. She'd not seen Morgana since yesterday afternoon and she'd not come to find her until almost a whole day had passed. Had she not even noticed she wasn't there? Had she had Merlin attend to her all through the night and the morning? Had Merlin woken her and dressed her? Or had they pushed all manner of furniture against the doors and spent hour upon hour in bed, like she and Morgana used to in the beginning?

Gwen brought her hand up to her mouth, realising she was on the verge of tears and that Merlin would notice and suspect something if she suddenly burst into tears. "How rude of me, I haven't even offered you anything to eat or drink."

Gwen stood, hastily turning her back on Merlin, busying herself with plates and cups for them both, even though she didn't have much of anything to fill them with. It was a distraction, so she could pull herself back together. But Merlin saw that too and cleared his throat.

"I'm fine, Gwen." There was a pause, like he was deciding whether to reach out to her or not. "Are you? Really?"

"Yes, Merlin," Gwen turning to endure his searching look. "Really."

"It's just you got uncomfortable when I mentioned Morgana, you've not fought with her, have you?"

"No, of course not," she answered too quickly.

"She's not hurt you or said something?" Merlin asked, his tone turning protective. Of her or Morgana, she didn't know. "She can be... overzealous sometimes, when she feels strongly, I'm sure if she has upset you, she didn't mean to."

Gwen crossed her arms over herself, hugging her stomach. His naïveté that is was some cat fight between them was cute but she couldn't bear to break his heart by telling him what it really was. Nothing else to say, she confessed the thing that had started this whole silly mess, "Morgana said you liked me."

"Of course I like you, you're my best-" Merlin's face started to pinken, his ears going positively red. "Oh."

Gwen felt herself go red as well. How could talking about this now possibly make things less awkward? Aside from taking the heat off the tension between her and Morgana... and putting it firmly on her and Merlin.

Merlin cleared his throat and tried to look her in the eye, failing miserably, instead speaking to the tabletop. "Gwen, you're a great friend and you're lovely, really, beautiful and funny and so good hearted but I don't-"

"I know," Gwen cut in, wanting the ground to swallow her. Or Merlin. Anything to stop this horrifically uncomfortable moment. "I never believed you did anyway but yesterday proved it."

Merlin glanced up, big blue eyes full of fear. "Yesterday? What did I do yesterday? If I offended you in anyway..."

"No, no, nothing like that." Gwen sat down again, hoping to reassure him there were no hard feelings between them, even if he did love the woman she loved. "I understand, your heart belongs to another."

"You do? I mean... it does?" Merlin asked, still a little panicked.

"At the picnic, I saw you staring... you could barely look away from them. I could have run around entirely undressed and your world would have still been one person... not me. So yes, I understand. More than you might think."

"Really?"

"Really." Gwen took Merlin's hand, hoping her touch would be comforting even if her words wouldn't be. "But nothing can ever happen; the king would never allow it. And even if something did happen, it couldn't be real. It couldn't last. We're just servants - you're just a servant, I mean."

Merlin looked about as resigned as she felt and it pained her when he nodded, acknowledging their hopelessness. "I know. And I know it can never be anything proper... I shouldn't even tell you really but we can't help it."

Gwen swallowed, everything rising up again, like bile in her throat, making her feel like she might be sick. It was true then, Morgana and... Merlin. Gods. She knew she should speak up, fight for her quickly deteriorating relationship but she couldn't force the words out.

"Ever since we met, it seemed almost unavoidable," Merlin continued, smiling into the distance, not noticing Gwen's pain under his own nostalgia. It had been going on since they met? Gwen could feel tears stinging in her eyes, waiting to be shed.

"I'm sorry, Gwen, I shouldn't be telling you this, not if you have feelings for him too." Merlin squeezed Gwen's hand and she found herself nodding before she realised what she'd heard.

"Him?" Gwen echoed. "Who?"

"Arthur... you said earlier that you understood. I thought you loved him too."

"Arthur?" Gwen asked, knowing she was starting to sound like she’d suffered a blow to the head, repeating everything in a dazed manner but for the life of her, she couldn’t work out what Arthur had to do with anything – aside from the fact he was all but betrothed to Morgana and therefore, he might have feelings for her as well. Then the truth struck her, it was obvious really and out of everyone, she really should have seen it coming. “You’re in love with _Arthur_?”

“I guess. I don’t know, we haven’t really thought about it like that. It’s complicated enough as it is, me being me and him being... well, him.” Merlin sat up straighter, a nervous glint in his eyes. “You won’t say anything, will you? He’ll throw me in the stocks if he thinks I’ve told anyone.”

“Of course not.” Gwen laughed, relief making her a bit hysterical, her mind racing trying to undo all the bad thoughts she’d been having. Merlin didn’t love Morgana. They weren’t carrying on in secret. Morgana really was hers, just hers.

“Thank you, you’re a true friend.” Merlin stood before hesitating. “I mean it, Gwen; someone would be very wise to give their heart to you. I’m sorry it can’t be me or Arthur.”

“You too,” Gwen said before realising Merlin’s wish didn’t quite work the other way around. “I mean, I think Arthur’s wise to trust his heart with you.”

Merlin looked at her oddly for a second before letting himself be shown out. Leaning against her closed door, her mind still going nine to the dozen, she remembered why. She’d never corrected him about her love. Somehow she’d gone from worrying about people thinking she had feelings for Merlin to Merlin thinking she had feelings for Arthur. She could only imagine what the one she did have feelings for thought.

She pulled on a shawl, hoping the twilight shadows would conceal her inappropriate dress and followed Merlin out into the night, taking care not to be seen by him.

-x-

Morgana felt her heart racing, images dancing under her eyelids and cold sweat coating her skin. Exhaustion and worry had forced her to bed early but had she known she would be plagued by nightmares, she would have rather spent a sleepless night by herself. Or better yet, she would have preferred to spend the night in Gwen's arms. But she hadn't had word from Gwen all day; she'd not even answered her door when she'd called on her. She'd even risked uncomfortable questions by sharing her concerns with Merlin but not understanding just how worried she was, on a personal level, he hadn't come back to tell her if Gwen was alright. Of course, no news was good news. If anything was wrong, Merlin would have come and got her and they would have been off trying to save her by now.

Morgana pulled the bedding a little tighter around her, shivering but closing her eyes in case sleep would come. Her nightmare had shaken her, they always did but without Gwen to soothe her, she had to try and calm herself. Steady breaths and pleasant thoughts. She turned her mind to Gwen, imagining her every feature, from the unruly curls of her hair to the arch of her foot and everything in between.

But her snoozing mind warped it, her subconscious fears swirling with her conscious ones. Gwen being terribly ill and unable to come to the door. Gwen running off into the sunset with another, Merlin perhaps or that knight, Lancelot. And worst of all, Gwen simply not loving her anymore. Not _wanting_ to see her.

She knew their situation was difficult and that she could be difficult but Morgana couldn't see another way. If she were a man, she'd take Gwen away, marry her in secret but it was impossible. Even if they did run away, the king would only find them again, drag her home and clap her in irons. She knew Gwen didn't like to complain but it was obvious that something had been off with her the last few days, even she couldn't deny it. One way or another, for whatever reason, Gwen was drifting away from her, slipping through her fingers even when she held her. She knew, as sure as if she'd dreamed it, Gwen would leave her.

She heard footsteps outside her door and the creak of it opening. She shut her eyes tightly. If it was a servant come to wake her, she didn't want to know. Even if the castle was on fire and the city was being sacked, she wanted to spend the rest of her life in bed, pretending that Gwen would join her any moment. She felt the bed dip and wondered if she'd actually fallen into a dream. Guinevere's sweet voice, whispering, "My Lady," convinced her she had.

Cool fingers stroked over her shoulder and warm lips pressed into her neck. "Wake up, my love."

"I'd rather sleep," Morgana muttered sleepily. "Dream I'm here with you."

"Morgana," Gwen said with more force, using Morgana's shoulder to try and turn her to face her. "I need to talk to you."

Morgana's eyes fluttered open, focusing on Gwen’s face, smiling for a second before scrambling up. "Gwen! Where have you been?"

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t quite feeling myself,” Gwen answered, not entirely lying. She hadn’t been feeling herself, she never did unless she was with Morgana.

“Were you unwell?” Morgana asked, turning to face her, her hand coming up to stroke her brow, her cheek.

“No, my love, I’m quite well now.” Gwen looked down at the small space between them, unable to confess to Morgana while looking her in the eye. “It was silly really.”

Morgana titled her face up, pressing a gentle kiss to her lips. “Nothing is ever silly enough not to share it with me.”

Gwen sighed, resigning herself to red cheeks and nervous laughter. “The other day, you told me Merlin liked me...”

Morgana froze for a second and then plastered a smile over her face. “A silly crush, I’m sure.”

“No, it’s not that. I was just upset that you... you weren’t more worried,” Gwen admitted.

“What do you mean? Why would I be worried?” Morgana asked, the smile flickering. It was almost painful to watch; to cause such confusion but Gwen couldn’t leave it at that. She needed to explain herself so she could draw a line under all this, write it off as silliness.

“Because if you told me Merlin liked you, I’d be worried,” she said, taking in a sharp breath so she could get it all out. “Because that’s what I’m like. I’m not perfect, like you. I over think things. I put my foot in my mouth. I embarrass myself constantly and I get jealous. I’m jealous of you and Arthur and how you might be his queen someday. And then, out of nowhere, you’re sharing personal things with Merlin. And it doesn’t bother you that he likes me. And that bothers me because if it were the other way around, I wouldn’t be able to think about anything else. I haven’t been able to think about anything else.”

Morgana stared at her for a moment, the smile dropped. Her face was so still, Gwen worried she might have fallen under some enchantment but then she shook her head. “Oh, Guinevere. How silly you are. I only asked you because I _was_ jealous.”

“What?” Gwen asked, her world knocked of kilter for the second time in as many hours.

“I’m not perfect. Surely of everyone, you know that best. You hold me when I wake up screaming. You listen to me rip to shreds every knight that asks for a dance, tease Arthur mercilessly. I follow my passion blindly even though it might destroy me and you follow me, supporting me. You’re here every day, every morning, from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep, counselling me invaluably. You convince me that this is the best thing we can do. The best thing I will ever have. Without you... I don’t know what I’d do but I certainly wouldn’t be as happy as I am now. And yes, I worry constantly about losing that – losing you. So when I realised Merlin had feelings for you and how much easier it would be for you to love him, rather than me, I panicked and I had to know. So I asked. I’ve known for months now but I was scared of the answer.”

Gwen relaxed back into the pillow, a great weight lifted from her shoulders, all her explanations and questions dissipating like morning mist. It just didn’t matter anymore. Morgana knew. Morgana felt the same. They were just as flawed as each other and in their way, that made them perfect.

A smile creeping onto her lips, she pulled Morgana into her by the waist, fingers clasping tight, possessively almost. “He doesn’t you know.”

“What?” Morgana asked, distracted by Gwen’s touch.

“Fancy me.” Gwen moved her fingers, dragging up Morgana’s nightdress, inch by inch, until she could feel skin beneath her hand. “But he and I do share one thing in common.”

“What’s that?” Morgana asked, chasing her mouth and kissing her for a second before Gwen broke away.

“You can’t tell,” Gwen told her, her other hand coming to rest over her chest, drawing shapes with her fingertip. “Cross your heart.”

Morgana raised her eyebrows, assenting, watching and waiting as Gwen peppered kisses down her body in time with the words of her revelation, “We’re both playing a very interesting and unusual game of _Servant_ and _Master_.”

“No!” Morgana said, looking down at Gwen before she ducked out between Morgana’s open knees. “No!” she said again, looking over to the wall that separated her chambers from Arthur’s. “N-OH! Yes! YES!”

**Author's Note:**

> As of 01/01/18, I'm opting to disable comments. [More information here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/13077201).


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